Understanding Male Camaraderie
It seems that Male Camaraderie isn’t a hot topic on the social radar of contemporary discourse. If it is discussed at all, it is often done without the seriousness it truly deserves. The puns, jokes, and innuendos of bro culture aren’t taken as seriously as the other important groups discussed in chat rooms worldwide. It seems like every group is taken seriously regarding this topic of discourse. So, I have decided to throw my hat into the topic and throw out what I think are valid points for discussion.
It has been proven that men require important emotional connections, which begin to be established in elementary school, where boys are encouraged to be team players. Boys learn quickly how to share, compete, and work for common goals to achieve a successful outcome and how to win. Boys can be ruthless; they can smell those that are different or weak, and they leverage those observations to maintain their position in the pecking order. They begin to understand how and where they fit in, what is expected of them, and their expectations for themselves. Popular music, Sports, fashion, and specific hobbies and activities automatically slot them into their pecking order. Where do they fit in? Are they playing in a garage band, throwing a football on a team, or a member of a chess club? These important decisions are evaluated by their peers as to how they are placed in the pecking order, resulting in how their character and their world are shaped during their formative years depending on who is doing the evaluating, we learn what is “cool or uncool” or “lit or unlit” in today’s vernacular.
Social media has become a tool for men to connect in a variety of ways. The multitude of groups one can join can be life-changing, not to mention dating apps, which have changed society in ways that we never imagined regarding the mating game. Straight men (I’m old-fashioned with my gender terms) can join a site where women make the first move in determining who is in the driver’s seat in regards to who makes the first move. And we all know about Grindr. We all know that familiar distinctive notification sound that announces that a possible love connection is just a click away. Just be careful who you’re with and where you are, or it can get awkward.
In my observations on how men operate, it is elementary. Men are simple beings in that they look outward, not inward, when viewing the world. They are keenly visual, always on the hunt, and are forever scanning their environment. They go to or watch “the game” on television at a bar or a pub. But men lunching with their “bro” isn’t an activity to be considered on the list of options or things to do. But going to a movie is. Working out with your gym partner is perfectly acceptable, but having a spa day getting your mani-pedi would not be in the cards for a weekend outing with your buddy unless it is an agreed-upon thing that is cool to do. A poker game is one of the manliest of activities, but a game of Bridge, not so much, which leaves something of a question. What reference points do men have in maintaining their male identity while seeking the companionship of other like-minded men while getting the approval of the companionship they seek? This encompasses men of all sexual preferences and interests. It doesn’t matter where they are on the sexual spectrum. The gay community has its own particular set of rules and codes, and there are parallel similarities that outweigh the differences in how they operate socially.
Men do not like to be vulnerable. They are taught not to because it comes from a position of weakness, and not being manly is the ultimate sin regarding manliness. Men do not like to look weak in the pecking order. A position of strength is paramount. In the past, vulnerability and expressing one’s feelings were seen as weak. Males have paid a high personal price for not honoring their feelings. In other words, they need to understand who they are with their critical lens of how they see the world. To understand personal introspection, how they see themselves, to understand their internal strengths and weaknesses, rather than keeping their internal mental psychological door sealed and left alone.
In my observations, male relationships are very difficult to maintain throughout a lifetime. Relationships that were established in school and university often tend to fade away and are replaced with familial responsibilities. Like in everyone’s lives, changes occur. In Western Culture, the family unit becomes the priority, and men, in many instances, become starving for male camaraderie. They become emotionally cut off from their peers, and in many instances, the wife becomes the captain of the social calendar, leaving the man of the house in an emotional quandary and disadvantage, possibly feeling isolated and depressed. Building male friendships, therefore, is vital for mental health and one important major component on the list of what it takes to be a complete and well-rounded person.
And yet today, there are a multitude of male social groups that focus on brotherhood and male bonding. The “Weekend Warrior” groups that have popped up over the years demonstrate that men are interested in and searching for exploring new ways of maintaining desired connections among the like-minded. Meet Up, for example, has a good number of men’s groups one can join in cities around the world. It is one of many places men can seek like-minded. There are scuba clubs, dinner clubs, bowling clubs, movie clubs….
Today, the pecking order of single men is still considered to be socially irresponsible, lacking seriousness, being wishy-washy, or maybe he’s a good old-fashioned bachelor (wink wink). The question of “Why can’t Steve just settle down, marry, have some kids, get a dog, and be happy?” becomes the question of the day to be repeated like a broken record. And worse yet, to not have any children is to make you less of a man regardless of whether they ever want them or not in the first place. There is also the phenomenon of women choosing to be single, free of the hassle of being with a man, which leaves the dating pool more dried up. We have, over millennia, established certified expectations of what is expected of men. Who is dictating the expectations, and where are they coming from? How is it possible for men to experience personal and emotional fulfillment if they don’t have a map and the direction that is needed to have a fulfilling life?
Like women, men have always had to navigate society’s expectations and norms. They are heavily influenced by the times they are living. They conform to masculine norms in a variety of ways. The times in which they are living appear to be changing at an alarming rate. Events can force changes in how they react to the demands society brings us. For example, economic forces, political strife, and unexpected world disasters push us all forward. Everything in our world is changing at a supersonic pace. We have so many more choices than ever before. Consider the head-spinning technological advances occurring daily, multiple conflicts occurring around the globe, and a world pandemic that painfully changed how we function as a society. We are dizzy in understanding what is going on in the world. Today, everything needs a PIN, password, facial recognition, transaction confirmation, seat confirmation, and on and on. They are always on and rudder to navigate their lives aside from what has always been expected. This is a Male Performance Crisis that should be addressed.
Perhaps what all men truly need is a bromance with that certain person that they just click with. The best friend, homie, or bro. A guy one can confide in and truly let his hair down with. While the word is relatively new, the best friend is the one optimal relationship that exists for all men. They are the one person that they can confide in and share their lives in a meaningful and rewarding way. They are the ones other than their significant other who can help create a sense of well-being and understanding in a chaotic world. These relationships are vital for a satisfying and meaningful life journey, and yet many men don’t have that.
The concept of a Male Performance Crisis” and the merging of traditional and contemporary standards of masculinity resulting in internal conflict is real in Western culture. Some exist in cultures to greater degrees than others, Americans appear to be more isolated than, say, Europeans, which leads to another question. What is the woman’s role in this? Where do the mothers, wives, grandmothers, female instructors, and mentors fit in? As an observer, perhaps the old cliche of It Takes A Village needs an in-depth revisit by all. Their influence is of vital importance in this discussion. One left for another day.